File No. 152

When you put it that way...
Jabberwocky: “I’m not a fan of skydiving. I don’t know what it is about it.”
The Mad Hatter: “You’re jumping out of a plane...with only a bed sheet to keep you from dying.”

File No. 144

Except People Remember The Challenger
The Mad Hatter: “Those 7Up commercials fucking launched Orlando Jones’ career.”
Jabberwocky: “Orlando Jones’ career launched with all the success of the Challenger shuttle.”

File No. 143

Every...Single...Time
The Mad Hatter: “I have an idea.”
Rose Red: “Okay everyone, shirts off.”

File No. 138

lolz
Rose Red: “Did you just send yourself a text from my phone?”
The Mad Hatter (Setting Down Rose Red’s Phone): “No.”
The Mad Hatter’s Phone: *buzz buzz*
The Mad Hatter: “Oh, I got a text message from Rose Red. It says, ‘Oh my God! Hey!’.”

File No. 130

Turing the dial to 11
Jabberwocky: “We’re men today.”
The Mad Hatter: “I certainly hope so.”
Jabberwocky: “No…more so than usual.”

File No. 119

It Helps to Have Teeth
The Mad Hatter: “Whenever a bum looks like he wants to fight me, I just think to myself, ‘Bum…I eat every day.”

File No. 112

It's a Lie: They're Not Majestic
Jabberwocky: “The majestic med students approach the shore.”
The Mad Hatter: “Where they go once a year to spawn...and die”

File No. 106

Didn't Recognize You with Those Shorts On
The Mad Hatter: “The patient is an obese white male with a history of hypogonadism.”
Internal Med Doctor: “I’m right here, you know.”

File No. 086

Squeak Squeak Squeakity-Squeak?
The Mad Hatter: “At this level of sound quality only a bat and a dolphin could have a discussion about its flaws.”

File No. 085

Summing Up All of Medical School in Three Words
The Mad Hatter: “This is asinine.”

File No. 084

That Third Moongon is Only the Size of a City Block
Roommate: “How far is it to the moon?”
The Mad Hatter: “Four Moongons.”
Roommate: “Okay, how far is it to the sun?”
The Mad Hatter: “Eight to nine Moongons. It’s a non-liner scale.”

File No. 081

Working Smarter, Not Harder
The Mad Hatter: “I’m just going to log the three patients I have that won’t live long enough for a follow-up.”

File No. 073

Here, hold these and I’ll be right back…
Professor: “If it weren’t for the filtering of your kidneys, you could pee out all your sodium in two hours.”
The Mad Hatter: “That sounds like a challenge…It’s alright guys, I got this one.”

File No. 038

It was either that or, “What are you doing here, Ronald Goldman?”
The Mad Hatter: “Juice is fucking great. The sooner you come to grips with this the better your life will be. Don’t fight the juice.”
Jabberwocky: “I’m fairly certain those were the last words Nicole Brown Simpson ever heard.”

File No. 037

The guys find a loophole in the alcoholism screening test
Jabberwocky: “Hey, Mad Hatter, do you ever try to cut back on your drinking?”
The Mad Hatter: “Never.”
Jabberwocky: “Do you ever feel annoyed when people ask you about your drinking?”
The Mad Hatter: “No, I just drink more.”
Jabberwocky: “Do you ever feel guilty about something you’ve done while drinking?”
The Mad Hatter: “I beat my kids, but I don’t feel bad about it.”
Jabberwocky: “Do you ever need an eye-opener?”
The Mad Hatter: “Does that fifth of scotch I had for breakfast count?”
Jabberwocky: “Yes…you have one positive out of four. According to CAGE, you do not have a drinking problem.”
The Mad Hatter: *Passes out*

File No. 017

And don't even ask him about Connect Four
The Mad Hatter: “I would rather chemically neuter myself than play the game Crossfire.”

File No. 014

It has to start somewhere
The Mad Hatter: “My roommate was Indian my freshman year.”
Jabberwocky: “By sophomore year he was straight up Asian.”
The Mad Hatter: “Indian: The Gateway Race."

File No. 009

The Mad Hatter explains the continued existence of Ashkenazi Jews
Morgan le Fay: “How do you guys live past the age of twenty?”
The Mad Hatter: “By marrying gentiles.”

File No. 007

Not surprisingly, Jabberwocky collects restraining orders like some people collect stamps
The Mad Hatter: “So the steps to the exam are: Inspection, palpation, percussion, and auscultation.”
Jabberwocky: “Right: Look, touch, hit, then listen. So…it’s like a date.”

File No. 003

Text messaging at its finest
Morgan le Fay: “The Mad Hatter says, ‘Fuck you, come find us, we are by a big log.’”