Wednesday, January 12, 2011

File No. 170

Mainly because no one can spell “canopic”
Surgeon: “Did you finish putting that bandage on?”
Jabberwocky: “We mummified the patient, head to toe.”
Surgeon: “Brain out the nose and everything?”
Jabberwocky: “Yup. It was terrible trying to find canopic jars in the Pixis.”

File No. 169

Probably just came back from church, too
Surgeon: “He says he got the wound by messing around on the couch. Apparently there was a knife in the cushions.”
Jabberwocky: “Yeah, he totally didn’t get stabbed by a hooker.”

File No. 168

Jabberwocky should have foreseen how much that would piss off a nurse
Nurse: “What’s wrong with her?”
Surgeon: “We don’t know yet.”
Nurse: “Why not? You did a c-scope.”
Surgeon: “Yes, we saw her colon. We know everything.”
Jabberwocky: “You can read a colon like tea leaves: Tell her future.”

File No. 167

Which is why MD schools have a “Charades” class
ER Doctor: “He’s a communications nightmare: He has a trach, he only speaks Chinese, and he’s deaf. Awesome.”

File No. 166

Except with less boutonniere-and-corsage and more hit-and-run
Jabberwocky: “What night is it?”
Teen Trauma Patient: “Friday.”
Jabberwocky: “Oh. What better way to spend a Friday night than in the resus bay? We’ve given you a gown, x-ray is going to take
a bunch of pictures...dude, it’s like the prom!”

File No. 165

The only revelation of Neurology class
MS 3: “This is ridiculous: My brain can’t learn about itself.”

File No. 164

Surgeon: “Man, I can’t get a hold of any psych residents.”
Jabberwocky: “Okay, here’s the plan: I’ll run down the halls yelling, ‘Not the bees, not the bees!’ and when psych inevitably
comes you’ll ambush them.”
Surgeon: “That could work.”
Jabberwocky: “Yeah, just pounce before I get hit with a dart full of Haldol.”

File No. 163

But it won't be a natural movement
Patient: “Turns out my neighbor is having surgery today, too. We’ll be able to ride home together.”
Jabberwocky: “She’s having knee surgery, you’re having rectal surgery. It’ll be a sight to behold.”
Patient: “She’ll be limping...I don’t know what I’ll be doing.”

File No. 162

It's not
Surgeon 1: “Did he get dictated?”
Surgeon 2: “He got two. I dictated him and you dictated him. He got dictated twice.”
ER Doctor: “That sounds kind of romantic.”

File No. 161

While blindfolded
Jabberwocky: “Baloo finds running and weightlifting too easy individually, which is why he has combined them: He is that awesome.”
Baloo: “Same reason I do sex calculus.”

File No. 160

Or is it a simile?
Surgeon 1: “Cardiac risk moderate? What does that mean? Be careful? Yeah, because I was going to go in there and
start haphazardly start cutting random things. It’s like the ‘Baby On Board’ sticker. Otherwise I was going to smash into
you, run you off the road, but now I see that sticker.”
Surgeon 2: “...good analogy.”

File No. 159

Only freely given
Patient: “My husband maintains it’s because I was intimate with a zebra, but I maintain no bodily fluids were exchanged.”

File No. 158

...and die
Baloo: “You’re going to give birth to 1,000 salmon.”
Jabberwocky: “That’s going to be uncomfortable.”
Rose Red: “Not as uncomfortable as when they come back to spawn.”

File No. 157

Context here has been lost to either time, or intense psychotherapy
Pecos Bill: “Make me feel good baby: Stomp on my nuts and throw me out the window.”

File No. 156

An actual, earnest conversation
Headless Horseman: “So the best way to deal with elephants is to send incendiary pigs at them.”
Jabberwocky: “Is there any other call for using incendiary pigs?”
Headless Horseman: “Not unless you want to watch some pigs burn.”

File No. 155

Way too quick with her answer
MS 3: “How do you talk to your parents about when it’s time to give up the house?”
Malificent: “I know this! ‘Give me the damn keys mom, you’re going to the home.'”

File No. 154

Sage advice in Detroit
Tortoise: “Is that a bullet?”
Rose Red: “Yeah, want to hold it?”
Tortoise: “Hell no, I don’t want my fingerprints on that.”

File No. 153

Your health-care professionals hard at work
ER Doctor: “His CT isn’t back yet.”
Jabberwocky: “Your CT isn’t back yet.”
ER Doctor: “I’ll give you a CT.”
Jabberwocky: “I’ll give your face a CT.”
ER Doctor: “...are we done here?”
Jabberwocky: “Yeah.”

File No. 152

When you put it that way...
Jabberwocky: “I’m not a fan of skydiving. I don’t know what it is about it.”
The Mad Hatter: “You’re jumping out of a plane...with only a bed sheet to keep you from dying.”

File No. 151

And he can run
MS 3: “Can you even walk with ruptured patellar tendons?”

Surgeon: “Depends on how tough you are. Mine are ruptured right now.”

File No. 150

HAHAHA Science Joke!!!
Chicken Little: “The third fastest land mammal in the world is the blue buffalo.”
Jabberwocky: “It’s blue when coming at you, red when going away.”

File No. 149

And that orderly will never look at him that way again
Surgeon: “What’s that on your scrubs?”
Jabberwocky: “Bile. It’s cool, it’s not mine.”

Flie No. 148

Thought that was his “Weekday Thing”
Jabberwocky: “You go do your birthday thing.”
The Headless Horseman: “Yeah, I’m going to get drunk and yell at my parents.”

Sunday, October 3, 2010

File No. 147

And Then Baloo Gave Them a Railroad Spike That Read, “Manifest Your Destiny”.
Chicken Little: “You, The Mad Hatter, and Rose Red will be roommates next year? It will be the Irish, the Chinese, and the Polish.”
Jabberwocky: “By our powers combined, there will be a railroad in that backyard.”

File No. 146

There Goes the Shakira Halloween Costume
Chicken Little: “I literally cannot shimmy.”
Jabberwocky: “I’m quite alright with that.”
Rose Red: “What does it mean to shimmy?”
Chicken Little: “It’s when you shake your upper body really fast so all your…parts shake.”
Jabberwocky: “You’re pretty stacked Rose Red, you could do it.”
Rose Red: “No, I can’t. I also can’t roll my Rs. I think the two are related.”