File No. 158

...and die
Baloo: “You’re going to give birth to 1,000 salmon.”
Jabberwocky: “That’s going to be uncomfortable.”
Rose Red: “Not as uncomfortable as when they come back to spawn.”

File No. 154

Sage advice in Detroit
Tortoise: “Is that a bullet?”
Rose Red: “Yeah, want to hold it?”
Tortoise: “Hell no, I don’t want my fingerprints on that.”

File No. 146

There Goes the Shakira Halloween Costume
Chicken Little: “I literally cannot shimmy.”
Jabberwocky: “I’m quite alright with that.”
Rose Red: “What does it mean to shimmy?”
Chicken Little: “It’s when you shake your upper body really fast so all your…parts shake.”
Jabberwocky: “You’re pretty stacked Rose Red, you could do it.”
Rose Red: “No, I can’t. I also can’t roll my Rs. I think the two are related.”

File No. 143

Every...Single...Time
The Mad Hatter: “I have an idea.”
Rose Red: “Okay everyone, shirts off.”

File No. 141

Cats, though...
Rose Red: “Billy Goat Gruff, are you allergic to dogs?”
Billy Goat Gruff: “No, they’re delicious.”

File No. 138

lolz
Rose Red: “Did you just send yourself a text from my phone?”
The Mad Hatter (Setting Down Rose Red’s Phone): “No.”
The Mad Hatter’s Phone: *buzz buzz*
The Mad Hatter: “Oh, I got a text message from Rose Red. It says, ‘Oh my God! Hey!’.”

File No. 082

His mere existence defies biology and math
Pecos Bill: “I’m half Asian and three-quarters Puerto Rican.”
Rose Red: “How is that possible?”
Pecos Bill: “I’m a whole lot of man.”

File No. 074

For the record, Rose Red did
Baba Yaga: “You look like you know where the garbage is.”
Rose Red: “Is that because I’m Asian?”
Baba Yaga: “I don’t even know what that means.”
Rose Red: “Walk away, just walk away.”

File No. 069

All these years I’ve been eating crackers instead
Rose Red: “Did you know the mere act of drinking quenches thirst?”
Chicken Little: “…no shit?”

File No. 064

It’s a curse, especially for the intern
Internal Med Doctor: “Shouldn’t you know kung-fu?”
Rose Red: “Oh, I already do.” *Fakes a martial arts move and accidently slaps the intern behind her*
Internal Med Doctor: “Why did you slap the intern?”
Rose Red: “I can’t help it, I’m hyper-aware of my surroundings.”

File No. 042

It’s funny until she tries to take a harpoon into the OR
Rose Red [Reading from notes]: “Polycystic Ovarian Disease, also known as the Great White Ovary.”
Chicken Little: “…I am Ahab.”

File No. 032

Pecos Bill stumbles upon a great workout program, that only works once
Rose Red: “Pecos Bill, have you been working out?”
Pecos Bill: “No, Pecos Bill just bought a tighter shirt.”

File No. 027

So long as Janet Reno comes out of retirement
Jabberwocky: “Will Scarlet is moving across the street from me.”
Rose Red: “I predict a Waco situation for some reason.”

FileNo. 025

Billy Goat Gruff knows a losing battle when he sees one
Billy Goat Gruff: “That was easy.”
Rose Red: “Easy…like your mom.”
Billy Goat Gruff: “I’d disagree, but I have eight brothers and sisters.”

File No. 023

Billy Goat Gruff finds his true calling
Rose Red: “We need something cheap that won’t explode.”
Billy Goat Gruff: “That’s totally me.”

File No. 018

In reality, it’s the red tape from the Professionalism Committee that really has Rose Red concerned
Rose Red: “…and he doesn’t spend his time staring at things on the wall, wondering if he can hang himself from them. Because I was doing that earlier and thinking the sprinklers wouldn’t hold my weight…and then I’d get an email from the Professionalism Committee.”

File No. 016

Kevorkian disagrees
Rose Red: “Death should never be listed as a symptom.”